2024 League One Predications

Why is Anne Hathaway here?
You'll have to read to find out.

I’m not big on making predictions for sports. When you make a prediction a part of you is wanting that to come true just so you can be right. And right about what? A lucky guess? Sports, like history, are only interesting because nothing is inevitable. Sure, we can have a pretty good idea of what might happen or is even likely to happen, but we watch because of that chance we’ll see something we’ve never seen before. 

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But just because I don’t like doing something doesn’t mean I won’t do it for you. So in the spirit of fun and the belief that none of us can know the future, let’s take a swing at some bold (if unlikely) predictions for each team for the 2024 season. 

Chattanooga Red Wolves - Red Wolves Head Coach Scott Mackenzie escapes serious injury when he is attacked by an actual Red Wolf during a photo shoot for the team. He’s hospitalized and misses one game but only needs stitches. 

Greenville Triumph - Triumph the Insult Comic Dog files trademark infringement against the Triumph and while the team wins the case, Triumph the Dog spends the entire season roasting the team every chance he gets, eventually getting appearances on The Tonight Show and The Daily Show. The team hosts a “Dog Days of Summer” promotion on August 16th against Richmond in Triumph the Dog’s honor to capitalize on the publicity.

Charlotte Independence - A spider infestation in the visitors' locker room at American Legion Memorial Stadium results in a one-day postponement of Charlotte’s May 11th matchup against Madison. The locker room is covered in spider webs and exterminators spend the day making sure the invasion is gone. The incident becomes known throughout League One as “Charlotte’s Web.” 

Richmond Kickers -  At a promotional event hosted by  John B. Cary Elementary School, Richmond players get a little too into the “Kickball with the Kickers” game as newcomer Arthur Bosua accidentally drills a third grader playing shortstop with a kick. Fortunately the kid is ok and Bosua gives her a jersey and tickets for her entire family to the next Kickers’ game.

South Georgia Tormenta - In an effort to maximize their home field advantage, Tormenta changes the kickoff time for their August 3 home game against Spokane to 3:30 p.m. for their “Turn Up the Heat” promotion.  It proves to be a disastrous decision as temperatures reach 102 and the heat index is 115. Fans get second degree burns from the bleachers and the game is abandoned in the 60th minute when the head referee can no longer continue due to heat exhaustion from the stifling humidity.

Union Omaha - A Tik Tok video made by an Owls fan featuring the Counting Crows song “Omaha” goes viral and the team adopts the tune as their unofficial theme song for the season. The band gets word of this and agrees to play a pregame concert on August 3 before their matchup with Forward Madison.

Northern Colorado Hailstorm - Goalkeeper Lalo Delgado finds himself watching old NFL Films videos of the 1980s Denver Broncos and is inspired by barefoot placekicker Rich Karlis. Delgado petitions the league to let him play with only one shoe and quickly learns why this is a bad idea. Nine minutes into the Hailstorm’s game on May 25, Delgado suffers a broken foot after being stepped on and is out for the season. 

Central Valley Fuego - 1990s ESPN legend Dan Patrick ends his animosity towards ESPN on the condition that he can serve as play-by-play announcer for a Central Valley Fuego game. He makes his debut on June 29th as Fuego hosts Tormenta. Patrick proceeds to say his catchphrase “he’s en fuego” 97 times in the match, thus ending his comeback. 

Spokane Velocity - Actress Anne Hathaway becomes a celebrity fan of the Velocity, appearing at multiple matches and even attending a few road games. The team capitalizes on this as a way to teach fans around the league how to correctly pronounce Spokane. “‘Go Velocity,’” Spoke Anne” shirts with Hathaway’s face and the Velocity crest on it outsells the team kits at the Velocity store.

Forward Madison - A confused promoter sees the Talkin’ Flock podcast for Madison and decides to schedule a postgame concert featuring  A  Flock of Seagulls following the Mingos’ matchup with Omaha on August 29th.  After the band plays “I Ran (So Far Away)" most of the crowd ends up leaving. Omaha and Madison players start to wonder how their games became part of the 80s and 90s nostalgia band tour.

Lexington SC - A horse trainer who usually works at Churchill Downs is tackled by players from both teams and a disaster is averted as he saw a player injure his leg and went to help like he does when horses get injured legs on the racetrack.

One Knox - One Knox’s marketing team strikes gold when they coordinate with the University of Tennessee to have One Knox play immediately following a University of Tennessee football game at Neyland Stadium. Most of the 100,000 fans stayed for the soccer game which sets a USL League One attendance record of 88,000 fans.