Where're your pants, son?

I've got problems with Hoot, but don't worry, I've got problems
with a lot of the other League One Mascots as well.

Edit: So I'm a goof and I somehow totally missed Rusty the Wolf, Chattanooga's pants-wearing mascot, when I initially posted this. This was not intentional and certainly did not happen because Chattanooga beat Tormenta last weekend and I was subconsciously still upset about it. Nope, I'm just someone who managed to overlook them and there's no one to blame but myself. I have issued my formal apology to Chattanooga fans through our Department of Fixing Screwups spokespeople and added a section about Rusty below. I'm sorry, again, Chattanooga fans. Clearly I like you all as I keep rating Scott Mackenzie high on the Manager Handsomeness rankings. 

Also since first posting this, I've also learned the Texoma birds are named Tex (the red bird) and Oma (the gray bird). So we've got that going for us, which is nice. 

Looking around League One, there are seven teams with mascots that I could find. Omaha (Hoot), South Georgia (Bolt), Richmond (Kickeroo), Madison (Strut), Portland (Moxie) and Texoma (Tex and Oma), and Chattanooga (Rusty)

Of these mascots, we have five birds, one kangaroo, one wolf and one moose. 

I'm not here to rank the mascots. I mean, I'm clearly not above that and I totally would have if more teams had them and I could  use that as a Power Rankings criteria, but it seems not useful to have seven teams tied for seventh in the Power Rankings. If there's a Power Rankings in October where I'm ranking mascots, I'm worn out from the season. (Also, more teams need mascots so I can do this.)

But that's not going to deter us from talking mascots, and more importantly, why can't more of them be like Moxie the Moose? (Moxie Moose? Is this a Mickey Mouse situation or a Howard the Duck situation?) What is it about Moxie that makes him (it is a him? Isn't it?) so special?

Moxie has one thing that sets him apart from the other mascots in USL League One. No, not that it is clearly the most dangerous animal mascot among those in the league. Did I google "Can an owl kill a person," "Can a kangaroo kill a person," and "Can a flamingo kill a person"  before writing that sentence. I absolutely did. And I came across this article just this weekend about a kangaroo attempting to drown a man. 

I'll save you the suspense. Moxie is the only mascot who appears to wears pants. No other mascot in the League bothers to wear anything on their lower half. But Moxie, sweet, sweet Moxie has forged his own path among his League One friends. While the others have eschewed pants for one reason or another, Moxie has dared to be different by doing what we all do every day and putting on a pair of pants.

Pants date back to at least sometime between the 13th and 10th century BCE. 

That's when the oldest pair, found at the Yanghai cemetery in present day western China, have been discovered. Pants from somewhere around 3350 and 3105 BCE have been found in the Austria-Italy border.

Which is to say pants have a long history in our world. One of my lines in the sand is that pants (or at least something) should be worn to cover your lower half. Pants, shorts, skirts, whatever. Just wear something. I don't feel like I'm out of line here and society appears to agree with me that we should all be wearing something.

I needed to know why though. Why would Moxie, among the League One mascots, wear pants? You, until this moment, didn't realize that you also needed to know why. It's possible you'd never thought to ask, but now you're going "yeah, why does Moxie wear pants?"

So I did what any self-respecting blogger would do. I set out to waste the time of talented and trained professionals living out their dream of working in professional sports and I emailed the Portland front office to ask why Moxie wears pants. 

Moxie the Moose (Portland Hearts of Pine)

Damian Foley, Director of Fan Engagement for Portland, got back to me and confirmed to me that Moxie is a male (only bull moose have antlers he explained.) He also verified that Moxie's full, legal name is Moxie the Moose, so if you ever need that bit of information, now you have it. 

Moxie, as Foley told me, "grew up in the wilds of northern Maine, near Moosehead Lake, and from an early age knew he was a little different to other moose. One day he heard a loud noise coming from the southeast, and headed to the coast to check it out. As he emerged from the woods he was greeted with a sight that filled his heart: a stadium filled with cheering soccer fans. Moxie had found his 'people.'"

That's all well and good and I'm happy for Moxie, but the pants? Why does Moxie wear pants? 

Fortunately, Foley was able to explain. 

"Moxie would love to play for Hearts one day, so he's trying to dress the part. He also wears boots (with hearts on them), and would wear socks too if he could find a pair that fit his calves (his calves would make Jack Grealish jealous)."

Moxie has also made friends since joining Portland, as Slugger, the Portland Sea Dogs mascot, and Slyde the Fox, the mascot of the New England Revolution, have invited Moxie over to their place to hang out and even Patrick Dempsey wanted to be friends with Moxie. 

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Good on you Moxie, and I wish you luck in your quest. Not just because you seem like a good dude, but because you wear pants.

Excellent. Mystery solved. Dressing for success is why Moxie wears pants.

But something else was nagging at me. Now we know why Moxie the Moose wears pants, but there are six other mascots around the League. Why don't any of them appear to be wearing pants? Not to go all Seinfeld on you, but what's the deal with these mascots and the lack of pants? 

And since I'd been willing to waste the time of the Portland front office on my little quest, why not reach out to other teams around the League and see if we could get some answers. 

Kickeroo (Richmond Kickers)

And would you believe that I got a response? Almost immediately in fact. Alyn Carr, Director of Marketing and Branding for the Richmond Kickers got back to me within 40 minutes of my email and was willing to take time out of her day to talk about why Kickeroo doesn't wear anything on his lower half 

She confirmed that Kickeroo does not and, to her knowledge, has never worn pants despite costume updates throughout his history. And yes, I did ask, Kickeroo does not have a pouch and is considered a male. She did say with the rebranding of the team's crest, there have been some discussions about what an updated Kickeroo suit might look like, but nothing has been determined as of this time. I have no connection to the Kickers and my opinion should not be considered at all, but if I could make a suggestion... Pants! 

I'm on record as saying that Richmond Manager Darren Sawatzky scares me and maybe he scares the marketing department with the Kickers as well and can convince them that any Kickeroo rebranding needs to include pants. (Sawatzky seems very nice in the podcasts I've listened to that he's been on, but even though the Kickers are nearly 500 miles away, I am still fearful of having him mad at me.)

Carr's quick response gave me hope that maybe this wasn't such a wild quest after all and the answers I sought could be found. I was going to get answers about why Bolt or Hoot or Strut didn't have pants despite wearing a jersey. It still makes no sense to wear just the shirt and no shorts. 

Or maybe it was that it was a slow  morning in the Kickers' front office and Carr wanted to have a little fun and think about Kickeroo while others around the league were dealing with something more important.

On some level, I get a kangaroo not wearing pants. Finding properly fitting shorts to fit over what I have to assume are just massive quadriceps would have to be a nightmare. I'm not saying I agree with it as I've been very clear that Stormwatch912 is very pro pants, but I get it.

Hoot the Owl (Union Omaha)

Omaha also got back to me. Omaha's owl mascot is officially known as "Hoot the Owl" according to Rich Flemings, Senior Manager of Marketing/Communications and Promotions.  They will call him Hoot for short, but his full, legal name is Hoot the Owl. After consulting with Omaha's Mascot Coordinator, (High level meetings between important people were had about this topic. I feel both proud that I asked questions that needed multiple people to answer and embarrassed that professionals at a professional sports team had  meetings to figure this out for me.) Flemings told me that Hoot has always been referred to as "he/him" but he honestly wasn't sure as to the preferred pronouns for Hoot. As you likely know, the Great Horned Owl is a native species of Nebraska and as Flemings told me, "Since Hoot was the only owl in Nebraska with a passion for soccer, he was the clear choice to be Union Omaha's mascot."

That's all well and good, but we're here for pants. Why doesn't Hoot the Owl wear anything on his lower half? Fortunately we have official word as to why. 

"Hoot doesn't wear shorts because it could affect his mobility while performing at Union Omaha home matches. We also don't want shorts to hide Hoot's beautiful tail feathers, a distinguished feature of any Owl," Flemings told me. 

Which, fine, I guess. I certainly wouldn't want to restrict Mr. The Owl's mobility and it would probably hide his tail feathers. But these are solvable problems. Baggy shorts and a hole in the back to show off the tail feathers. 

The start of this season notwithstanding, Hoot and Omaha seem to have things figured out and it seems like you don't want to mess with success by forcing Hoot into shorts when they've had such a run of sustained brilliance with him not wearing them. I'm not saying Hoot's lack of pants is why Omaha has been so successful, but... maybe? 

But like the 80s cartoon G.I. Joe, now we know, and knowing is half the battle. (Ok, maybe knowing isn't half the battle.)

Bolt (South Georgia Tormenta)

Legend has it that Bolt grew up along the Georgia coast and freshwater streams, playing soccer with the locals and his fellow ibises. One day, a giant storm blew through, sweeping him away where he eventually washed up on the shore of Tybee Island, just outside of Savannah, Georgia. As luck would have it, Tormenta captain Joshua Phelps was on the island surfing. Phelps took the Ibis under his wing (ugggh, I'm sorry, I'm trying to delete it), bringing the bird to Statesboro and the Tormenta family where he fit right in. 

So we know from the official origin story that Bolt is a male. But we don't know about his attire. I emailed Bernadette O'Donnell, director of communications and marketing at Tormenta to find out. She emailed me back and said she'd get some answers for me.

A few days later I was at Tormenta's practice and saw co-owner and president Darin Van Tassell and asked if O'Donnell had talked to him about my questions. Not only had she talked to him about it, they were going to discuss it at their staff meeting later that morning. The entire Tormenta front office was set to discuss why Bolt doesn't wear shorts. 

Van Tassell was a Rhodes Scholar finalist. He was a college professor. He's got a doctorate. He's a smart guy and he felt it was a good use of meeting time for Tormenta's front office to discuss this and find answers. Clearly this is bigger than I'd realized. 

O'Donnell got back to me with the answer as to Bolt's clothing choices.

"Bolt's feathers go long down his thighs and past the knees, but he does wear magenta pants/leggings underneath that to mirror the legs of a White Ibis (Eudocimus Albus)"

What?!?

I had never considered that Bolt wore leggings that his feathers simply covered up. This is fascinating.  Do we count Bolt as a full on, pants-wearing mascot of League One? I think we have to. The people who would know have confirmed that even though we only see the leggings on the lower part of the bird's legs, Bolt is, in fact, wearing pants. This means Bolt, not Moxie, is the first mascot in the league to wear pants, which surely is a point of pride.

O'Donnell also told me Bolt wears his Tormenta jersey to support the team, which makes sense as they did kind of rescue him. 

Red Bird and Gray Bird (Texoma FC)

Texoma was next on my list. Unfortunately for me, the Texoma website does not list email addresses for their front office. However, I'd heard the person running their Instagram account will often reply so I had to track down my username and password and then message them there in the hopes that not only would someone see it, but they would see a lengthy message from someone who just started following them asking about their mascot's lack of clothing all together and decide it was legit and answer that message.

Alas, as of posting this, they had not responded, so we are only left to wonder about Texoma's, frankly kind of creepy, mascots. They're enough to bring back the fear from my 20s about mascots. And there's two of them, which makes sense as their crest has two birds on it. Despite my best efforts (you know what, they were just efforts... some basic googling and a message to the Instagram account. Maybe I could have done more, so let's just say despite my efforts), I have no idea what their names are. But wow do these birds freak me out. One is the Northern Mockingbird, the state bird of Texas, while the other is the Scissor-Tailed Flycatcher, the state bird of Oklahoma. I will be completely honest, I don't know which is which.

What I can tell, based on this website from Phoenix Design Works, is that neither of them have clothes on. The red one has a Texoma crest on its chest while the gray one has the words Texoma FC across its chest. 

They also have what appears to be a white belt around their waist but to what end I don't know. Maybe it's some kind of WWE championship belt, but it's really small and clearly meant to be worn. The gray one has the Texoma logo on it while the red one has the words Texoma FC on it.

Why, why have a belt on but no pants? In the immortal words of Richard Belding, "hey, hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?" I really need someone to explain this as the more I look at these mascots, the less they make sense. Are the Texoma markings natural? Is this some sort of evolutionary adaptation from these birds to help them attract a mate? The facial expressions are that of a six-year old being told to smile for a photo that they really don't want to be at. And they still have no pants. despite wearing a belt. Now that I think about it, maybe it's not a belt but another weird natural marking that is belt shaped. You know how some butterflies have what appears to be giant eyes on their wings to try to ward off predators?*  Maybe they're like that, somehow? It's all so confusing to me. 

If anyone at Texoma is reading and wants to get in touch with me, reach out as I'd love to get answers. 

Fun fact, in the photo at the top of the Phoenix Design Works page is Richard Kilwien with the mascots. He's the father of former Tormenta legend (and all around nice guy) Preston Kilwien who now plays for Texoma.

*There's a second theory that the eyespots on the wings are used to distract predators and encourage them to aim for parts of the insect's body that aren't critical for its survival. It's not important for our purposes here, but in the interest of science, I figured I should mention it.  

Strut (Forward Madison)

Let's start with the obvious. Flamingos are strange looking birds to begin with. So any mascot using a flaming for inspiration is already upping the difficulty level to the highest levels. As with the other teams, I did send an email to Madison asking about Strut and his lack of pants. (I did not ask about the super tight shirt that Strut is wearing as that's frankly none of my business. Show off them guns, Strut.)

Unfortunately, my email to Forward Madison went unanswered as of this posting so, like Texoma, we can only speculate as to Strut and its lack of pants. Of all the mascots in League One, Strut is the one I feel least comfortable using he/him pronouns. I just have no idea. Strut has very few images online when you search for "Strut, Forward Madison" so it's hard to get a feel for anything about it. 

Unlike Bolt or Moxie, I'm not sure Strut can play soccer and if it has, it seems like Strut's playing days have long since passed. I know I mentioned it earlier, but the shirt Strut has on is creepily tight. And as someone pointed out to me, it's a 2019 jersey as well. Someone in Madison get Strut one of the 13 jerseys you all have for this season. 

Even with all that, no pants to be found on the giant bird and alas, no explanation either. Some mysteries, like the purpose Nazca Lines in Peru or why Strut doesn't wear pants, will remain unsolved. 

There's not a lot of information I could find about Strut online. I couldn't find anything on the Forward Madison website. There are the obligatory social media posts on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter introducing Strut to the world (Join us on Bluesky, Forward Madison!), but precious little is known about what I have been assuming to be a flamingo. Someone at Madison, if you're reading this and have answers, please reach out. I'm not sure if the world needs to know, but your confused blogger here in Statesboro is desperate for answers.

Rusty the Red Wolf (Chattanooga)  

My first google search when writing this was for Rusty the Wolf and that turned up a story so disturbing that I was concerned about the direction of this section. But it turns out you really need to use Rusty's full name, Rusty the Red Wolf, when trying to learn more about our friend in southeastern Tennessee. Rusty runs a twitter account and goes by Rusty the Red Wolf so I'm going to go with that as his official name. No one would intentionally misuse their own name in their social media account, right? 

Rusty made a television appearance in the spring of 2019 where then-president and GM Sean McDaniel explained there was a contest among the elementary and middles schools nearby for naming Rusty. True to the mascot code, Rusty remained silent in the interview, which honestly makes for some fantastic visuals of him looking back and forth between McDaniel and the television interviewer. I detected a little bit of a shock from Rusty when McDaniel announced there would be tryouts for the mascot. (It's around the 2:05 minute mark in the interview)  In the interview they referred to Rusty as "he" so we know he's male.

In addition to shorts (well done Rusty, good on ya), early photos of Rusty showed him wearing a headband above his eyes, presumably to keep the sweat out of them. But, like dogs, wolves regulate their body temperature by panting, allowing the moisture to evaporate off the tongue to cool them down rather than sweating like humans. However, it does seem that he's lost the headband, or at least doesn't always wear one.

***

I joked above, but I do appreciate the teams that indulged me by taking the time to collect answers to my silly little questions about their mascots. I honestly do feel a little bad about people having full on discussions about this, but in the end, everyone seemed to take it in the spirit it was intended.