July Power Rankings... Bracket Style

Two minutes of searching on Google for this image was
two minutes more than was needed for this blog post.

We're a week late with our Power Rankings. Have no fear. I still have them, but we're going a little different this month. 

Today we're forgoing the usual 12-1 Power Rankings and instead, we're going with brackets in a "what team name and/or mascot would win in a fight?" battle to crown the top team in July. The seedings are simple. We're going with the standings through July 15th. Jagermeister Cup games are not considered for these seedings. With 12 teams, the top four get a bye and the matchups are 5-12, 6-11, 7-10, and 8-9. Winners move on and we bring in the top four seeds and continue until the one true, undisputed champion is crowned. 

We may have taken some liberties in how we worked this out. Omaha gets to be the owls. Lexington are the horses. (Thoroughbreds it if helps.) I'm halfway through this opening and I still don't know what to do with One Knox in this thing, but since they're fourth in the standings and I don't have to worry about it quite yet, I'm not going to think about it for now. We'll all be surprised when we get to the second round. This idea seemed better in my head before I actually started doing it. 

This is all very scientific and I can assure you that I consulted with top experts in their field (I did some rudimentary googling) and went through a peer review process (I asked my kid) to make sure these results are perfectly accurate. There's no need to even debate them. It's just science. And there's also no need to check my search history to see if "Can an Ibis fight a Flamingo" is in there. Obviously that was just me being curious as Tormenta is a storm, not an Ibis. But if I found the video of that, you'd want me to share it, right? 

Opening Round

(5) Forward Madison (Flamingos) vs. (12) Central Valley Fuego - On paper, this seems obvious, but these battles aren't fought on paper, they're fought on computer screens. Of course a fire could beat a flamingo, but as we learned from 30 Rock, sometimes it's best to Retreat to Move Forward. A flamingo can fly more than 350 miles without stopping, thus escaping the flames and letting the fire burn itself out before being able to defeat the bird. Madison is moving on.

(6) South Ga. Tormenta vs. (11) Lexington (Thoroughbred Horses) - Just across the street from my neighborhood is a house with several horses. Obviously the horses live outside. It's not a house for horses. Anyway, during the numerous south Georgia storms that roll through, the horses can be seen standing under a tree until the storm passes by. They don't necessarily seem to like it, but they come out ok. Lexington advances.

(7) Spokane Velocity vs. (10) Richmond Kickers - We don't know who or what is kicking, but something is. Velocity, meanwhile, is just a measurement. It's a formula. It's an idea. Ideas are hard to defeat because even if you can destroy a person holding that idea, the idea itself is still out there. And velocity seems to be a pretty well settled scientific idea. Velocity moves on.

(8) Chattanooga Red Wolves vs. (9) Northern Colorado Hailstorm - It is rare for hail to kill humans, but in 2018 there were hundreds fish that were killed as the result of a hailstorm in Colorado Springs. In 1985, 22 people died in Brazil from a hailstorm. Clearly it's a dangerous weather phenomenon. But those deaths seem to be rare so it's likely that a Red Wolf would be able to find shelter and outlast the storm. Red Wolves advance.

Second Round

(1) Omaha (Owls) vs. (8) Chattanooga Red Wolves - In 2019, researchers recorded the first known acoustic interaction between an owl and a wolf. Granted, this was a Grey Wolf and not a Red Wolf, but still. Their relatives were at least doing what we might consider talking. Science is neat. Wolves tend to eat owls only if they're wounded or otherwise unable to fly but otherwise leave them alone. Likewise, owls don't really attack wolves. But if for some reason (like a dumb rankings blog post), the two animals were trapped in a confined area and forced to fight, I feel like the Red Wolf would win. Red Wolves advance

(2) Greenville Triumph vs. (7) Spokane Velocity - It's a battle of ideas to see which will come out on top. Will speed win, or will... the very idea of victory itself win? Speed is cool and all, but triumph literally means "Great Victory" so it's a little hard to see Spokane coming out on top here. Triumph are triumphant. 

(3) Charlotte Independence vs. (11) Lexington (Thoroughbreds) - Independence means freedom. And freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. I don't see how a horse could defeat the very notion of what our nation was founded upon (well, except for those enslaved and brought here against their will or kept in slavery. Or women not being able to vote until last century. Sorry, we're getting off track.) Despite the implementation of Independence not being distributed evenly or fairly throughout our nation's history, the idea still wins out over a racehorse. Independence moves on.

(4) One Knox vs. (5) Forward Madison (Flamingos) - Well, here we are and I still have no idea what to do with One Knox. Their logo is a sunset over the Blue Ridge Mountains. They had Pups at the Park this past weekend, so that's cool. Flamingos aren't native nor do they live in Tennessee (or Wisconsin for that matter). It was a true toss-up here, but Madison gets the win because I don't want to have to figure out what to do with Knoxville again in the next round. Madison advances.

Semifinals

(8) Chattanooga Red Wolves vs. (5) Forward Madison (Flamingos) - Two teams that scored upsets battle for a chance to get the top spot. We've already established that Flamingos are not found in Tennessee and Red Wolves are among the most endangered species in America, with the Conservation Center for Species Survival saying the Red Wolf could go extinct in less than a decade. Backed into a corner like that, I feel like the Red Wolf would be able to take a flamingo in a fight, especially if it knew the very survival of the species depended on it. And from the looks of that flamingo/ibis fight in the video in the introduction, a flamingo isn't going to really put up much of a fight. Red Wolves advance.

(2) Greenville Triumph vs (3) Charlotte Independence - Can the very idea of victory lose? Alternatively, can the very idea of Independence lose? Well, they can't both win because that's not how tournaments and brackets work. Triumph is nice, but at what cost? What does it gain a man if they triumph over all but in the process they lose their very soul? Total victory can never be the end goal. A noble victory in pursuit of a greater cause is the true victory. Charlotte advances.

Championship

(8) Chattanooga Red Wolves vs (3) Charlotte Independence - Where do you even begin to break down a battle between Red Wolves and Independence? No, seriously, I'm asking for your help. I have no idea how to begin to figure out who would win in a battle between a wolf and the idea of freedom. One is a wild animal and the other is a concept that people all over the world want. Pitting those two against each other seems nonsensical, but here we are. We must decide. I mean, it's got to be the Independence, right? I've tried to think of a way where the Red Wolves could win this and, really, there's just no way. 

Congratulations Independence, the winner of the 2024 USL League One Team Name/Mascot battle.

Can you imagine me trying to do this next year? The Portland Hearts of Pine alone would be enough to make me throw my hands up. I'd probably get about three paragraphs in and just declare One Knox the winner. So, ummm... congrats to One Knox, your 2025 Team Name/Mascot battle winner.