August USL League One Power Rankings

Photo Credit: Tormenta FC
Saturday's hero Pedro Fonseca

Hi friends. No Monday post this week as my recap of Tormenta's last second goal to earn a draw with Northern Colorado was posted at the Statesboro Herald.  As with all my stories there, it may require an email address to read. I'd like to think it's worth an email address, even an old one that you never use anymore that you kind of forgot you had and check every three months because that one guy from high school still emails you there because he refuses to update his address book. It's got quotes in there from Manager Ian Cameron about what he thinks it's going to take for Tormenta to make the playoff field as well. (The story has the quotes, I have no idea what's in your forgotten email.)

Also, as a programming note, with Tormenta having the week off I'm going to take some PTO from the blog as well. There's no game to preview for Friday and no recap to run next Monday so I'm going recharge the old batteries. I don't want the content well to run dry so we're going to hope for the metaphorical content rain to replenish the well over the next week. 

Because we have a money back guarantee here at StormWatch912, if you're unsatisfied with my upcoming time off, please send your credit card number, complete with CVV, expiration date and name on the card to my twitter DMs and I'll be sure to process your refund right away. Be sure to decline any fraud alerts you may receive and pay no attention to my new wardrobe. 

But fear not. I will not leave you empty handed (empty screened? That doesn't sound right.) No, I'd be remiss if I didn't post the August Power Rankings before some time off. Pay no attention to those other power rankings you may see, either from the League's own website or the imposters with their fancy "this team has won three of four and have an xG that exceeds their performance thus far" metrics and other facts that actually indicate which teams are moving up or down. You all know better. The real scoop is right here. As the kids say, "Game recognize Game." (I'm being told they don't say that and my teenager is asking me to delete this.)

Having said all that, we're going a little more subjective than usual this month. Unlike other months where "what year was the city founded" or "how many points is their team name worth in scrabble?," this month we're going ranking the most famous person from their city. "From their city" is doing some work here as the person doesn't have to have been born there (good news for Chattanooga), and to be clear, fame is relative. 

We no longer live in a monoculture from the 1960s or even the 1980s. Mr. Beast has the biggest YouTube channel going with more than 300 million subscribers, but my parents have no clue who he is. Is he famous? In some circles, absolutely. In others, he's just a guy on the internet. If I didn't have a teenager at home who watches YouTube instead of traditional television shows, I'd have no idea who Mr. Beast was.

That's the long way of saying this list directionally correct, but your measure of fame may be calibrated differently from mine. 

Enough with the preamble. Let's get to the rankings. 

12. South Georgia (-7) - Emma Kelly - Statesboro - In his bestselling true crime novel "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil," author John Berendt looked at the trials of Jim Williams who was accused of killing Danny Hansford in Savannah. One chapter of his book was devoted to Emma Kelly, the "Lady of 6,000 Songs," a nickname she got from Johnny Mercer based on the number of songs he guessed that she could play on piano from memory. There is a local theater in Statesboro named for her. 

11. Spokane Velocity (-7) - Chuck Jones - Spokane - Chuck Jones probably had the ideal amount of fame. You saw the name all the time. As the producer and/or director of Loony Tunes, including Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and others, his name was on many of the cartoons I watched growing up. Even when researching for this post, I saw the name and remembered seeing it as a kid. He passed away in 2002.

10. Northern Colorado (-9) -  Sophia Smith - Windsor - When you score two goals in the Olympic semifinals to lead your country to the gold medal match and I'm writing this weeks afterwards, your fame level is pretty high. Smith plays for NWSL's Portland Thorns when not leading her country to Olympic glory.

9. Central Valley (-7) - Kevin Federline - Fresno - Look, fame comes in many forms. Some reach the top of their chosen field, like Fresno native Charles Sibley, whose work as a molecular biology and ornothogist had a huge impact on the scientific classification of birds. Then there's who we went with here. Kevin Federline, former husband to Brittany Spears, star of the reality show Kevin and Brittany: Chaotic and someone whose album is considered one of the worst ever to be released. He also teamed up with Richard Branson to mount a campaign to save the penny, so you have him to thank for that. 

8. Forward Madison (+1) - Chris Farley - Madison - If this were on merit, we'd be talking about John Bardeen, the only person to win the Nobel Prize in Physics twice. (Twice!?! Now you're just showing off.) Instead, he gets beaten out by the guy who auditioned for Chippendales against Patrick Swayze and also lives in a van down by the river. Fame is a weird thing, what can I say. I always liked when Farley and David Spade worked together, though Spade's humor was more of my thing. 

7. Charlotte Independence (no change) - Billy Graham - Charlotte - Known as "America's Pastor" when he died (though he was not without his own controversial stances), Graham led his Billy Graham Crusades that would draw thousands of people to hear him speak and those that couldn't attend could listen on radio or television. He died in 2018 at the age of 99.

6. Greenville Triumph (+1) - Jesse Jackson - Greenville - I met Jesse Jackson once. The Civil Rights leader was speaking at Georgia Southern when I was a student there. He walked by the student newspaper office while I was there and shook his hand. He addressed one of the other writers (he was, and I use this term lovingly, also a pasty white guy like me), and called him "my brother," which I know he enjoyed to no end. I'm sure Jackson continues to tells the story of meeting me as well. 

5. Richmond Kickers (+1) - Shirley MacLaine - Richmond - The Emmy and Oscar winning actress (no EGOT for her, slacker) and star of stage and screen who starred in such classics as "Terms of Endearment," "Steel Magnolias," and was in Hulu's "Only Murders in the Building." She's been performing for more than 70 years and made her film debut in the 1955 Alfred Hitchcock film "The Trouble with Harry." 

4. One Knox (+6) - Quentin Tarantino - Knoxville - The two-time Academy Award winning filmmaker debuted with the ... you know.... can I be honest with you all? I'm not a big movie guy. I don't know why because I have no problem sitting down to watch a soccer or baseball game, but a 90 minute to two hour movie that I can start when I want makes me go "I don't really have time for that." I'm not sure I've ever seen a Tarantino film all the way through. It's a hole that I have in my pop culture knowledge. Anyway, Tarantino is widely regarded for his work, from "Reservoir Dogs" and "Pulp Fiction" up to "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood." The man makes movies people like. 

3. Lexington (+8) - George Clooney - Lexington - My wife thinks he should be higher. Named People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" twice (he's the John Bardeen of winning that award), Clooney has been the star of so many things. He's got two Academy Awards, four Golden Globes, some Emmy nominations. He started doing TV work in the 1970s and in 1994 was cast in the television show ER. From there he went on to star in movies, including the Ocean's movies as well as Oh Brother, where art thou?. He's one of just four people nominated for an Academy Award in six different categories. (Because I hate when other places don't tell you the other people when they post something like that, the others are: Alfonso Cuaron, Kenneth Branagh and Walt Disney)

2. Chattanooga Red Wolves (no change) Samuel L. Jackson - Chattanooga - I know I just said I'm not a movei guy, but I did go see Snakes on a Plane. In the theater and everything. I knew it wasn't going to be a great movie. I was fully prepared for it to be a bad movie. (It kinda was). But it was a fun movie that had Samuel L. Jackson doing Samuel L. Jackson things. 2006 was a weird time. Jackson actually wasn't born in Chattanooga, but moved there at an early age and grew up there. Good news for Red Wolves fans, I guess. I see far too much of Mr. L. Jackson during March Madness with the Capital One commercials. 

1. Union Omaha (+11) - Gerald Ford - Omaha - I wasn't born when Gerald Ford was in politics. I have no memory of him actually being relevant. But if you're one of only 45 people to have been President of the United States, then you get to be the most famous person on my list. Truly my only pop culture reference for Gerald Ford is the Saturday Night Live sketch where Dana Carvey, playing Tom Brokaw, prerecords death notices for the former president, including one contingency in case Ford died having being eaten by wolves. "He was delicious."