14 Predications for 2025
But friends, the content mines constantly need mining, so we're back with another attempt to forecast the future so that you'll know tomorrow's news today. I have spent the offseason breaking down film (rewatching 30 Rock), plugging data into complex, proprietary algorithms, (filing my taxes), and scouring the internet for any and all information I could find (wasting my nights on Bluesky) to have the most accurate projections possible for the 2025 season. I'm so confident in these that you can take them to the bank. (You can print this out and take it inside a bank, anything more than that and you're on your own.) Let's get to it.
If you want to see how I did with last year's predictions, here you go.
In no particular order:
Greenville Triumph - Greenville schedules a "Turn back the clock" night for their September 20th match with Forward Madison. The team changes its name, for one night, to the Pleasantburg Triumph in honor of the city's name from 1797-1821 before it was then changed to Greenville. All staff and fan service personnel dress in period attire and Manager Rick Wright gets in to the act by also dressing from the early 1800s for the match. Players petition the League to let them come on to the field on horses, but that gets shut down, much to the disappointment of ESPN+.
FC Naples - Naples, with a median age of 67, decides to cater to its audience and schedules multiple games on Saturday mornings at 9 a.m., not in an effort to beat the heat, but to get the fans who are finishing up their morning coffee and need something to do for the rest of the morning.
(Uhhh, Luke, didn't you make a similar joke about the median age of Naples in your Handsome Manager post? Can't you come up with anything new?)
Fine, Naples is not going to do that and I'm sorry I stereotyped all Naples fans as being retirees. How about this, Jake Dengler scores a goal and gets a Yellow Card in his return to Statesboro against Tormenta.
(Uhhh, Luke, that seems like actual soccer knowledge and not a terrible prediction.)
Last try, Naples leads the league with three games postponed due to weather, including their August 6th match against Tormenta. Everyone makes the same "storm" joke and they play the game on August 7th.
Richmond Kickers - Manager Darren Sawatzky plays A Tribe Called Quest's "Can I Kick It?" for his team during a team bonding activity where everyone has to share their favorite song when they were 17 years old. The team instantly makes it their theme song for the season and the the first 45 second of the song are used as the lead up to every kickoff for Richmond home games.
One Knox - To commemorate the 43rd anniversary of hosting the 1982 World's Fair, One Knox petitioned to have a smaller version of the Sunsphere in their new stadium. Failing to take into account the reflection of the midsummer setting sun, the Sunsphere's glare causes Knoxville's goalkeeper to be temporarily blinded during their August 31st game against Spokane as the visitors score three goals in the first half en route to a 4-1 win (To be precise, it was officially known as the "Knoxville International Energy Exposition." If nothing else, we demand precision here at Stormwatch912)
South Georgia Tormenta - In an effort to grow their fan base and garner international support, South Georgia plunges head first into an all out marketing blitz to encourage the citizens of South Georgia Island off the coast of South America to adopt Tormenta as their team. During a bye week in mid-May, the team loads up on a plane to the island for a promotional tour, but is forced to make an emergency landing as it's deemed unsafe to be on the island as an iceberg may potentially hit the small and essentially uninhabited island with a population varying from 16 to 32 temporary personnel. The trip isn't a total failure as a Tormenta scarf is added to the South Georgia Museum and is wildly out of place at what is a specialized whaling museum.
Forward Madison - In a highly unusual move, Madison and Charlotte flip their home dates on the schedule as Madison players are swept up in Broomball and don't want to be out of town for the American Broomball National Championships being held in Madison from April 11-13. The teams agree to keep the game on a Friday night, primarily so the Madison players can spend all day Saturday and Sunday at the Legacy20 Arena. Broomball, essentially hockey but using brooms, a soccer ball and no skates, becomes so popular the team creates an internal Fantasy Broomball League with returning midfielder John Murphy Jr. serving as commissioner for the league.
Charlotte Independence - In a major coup (the good kind, not the political kind), the band Good Charlotte, known for their early 2000s hits like "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous," "The Anthem," and "Girls & Boys," decides to debut their first new album in seven years following Charlotte's August 2nd match against Texoma. The good news is Charlotte sells out their 10,500 seat stadium for the game. The bad news is most people don't show up until midway through the second half as they're just showing up for the concert. Despite that, the band's album gets positive reviews and Good Charlotte goes on the nostalgia circuit touring with Bowling for Soup and The Offspring.
Spokane Velocity - After seeing that Knoxville was commemorating their hosting of the World's Fair, Spokane gets in on the act, deciding to host their own celebration of the 51st anniversary of the city hosting 1974 World's Fair. (Again, technically it was the "International Exposition on the Environment, Spokane 1974." It just rolls right off the tongue.) Spokane and Knoxville end up creating a World's Fair Derby, which Spokane takes by virtue of the 2-2 draw against Knoxville in their season opener and their aforementioned 4-1 victory in the "Sunsphere game.") (All you Spokane fans who skipped straight here are now scrolling back up to see what you missed in the Knoxville prediction.)
Union Omaha - Following a fireworks display after their home opener on May 10th, Union Omaha is forced to issue an apology for failing to notify the surrounding area. The fireworks cause flashbacks for some of the older members of the surrounding neighborhoods to the end of World War II and the Japanese Balloon Bomb that exploded over the city as part of Japan's military offensive late in the war. While no one was injured in Omaha, six US citizens died from one in Oregon, the only six deaths from World War II to occur in the continental United States. Such bombs were the first intercontinental weapon.
Portland Hearts of Pine - Portland gets a major boost in publicity when one of its notable residents and leader in writing about terrifying monsters becomes a major fan. That, person, of course, is Loren Coleman. "Among monster hunters, Loren's one of the more reputable, but I'm not convinced that what cryptozoologists seek is actually out there," is how Skeptical Inquirer described Coleman. He founded the International Cyptozoology Museum in Portland in 2003 and emerges as the team's celebrity fan. Portland hosts a Sasquatch Night on July 2nd against AV Alta to capitalize on the publicity but the League rejects their request to have the Game Officials wear Sasquatch costumes.
Westchester - The team gets a big and surprising boost when NBC President Kenneth Parcell takes an interest in the team and somehow gets the rights to show the games on NBC. This does wonders for Westchester's popularity nationwide even as NBC sees Saturday night ratings sink lower than the end of the XFL. By midseason, NBC gives up on the experiment and is forced to show reruns of Homonym, God Cop, and MILF Island.
AV Alta - Upon learning that Antelope Valley was actually named after Pronghorns, which are not antelope, the team inexplicably starts a movement to get the area named more accurately. Everyone on the team is on board except for the team's graphic designers who really don't want to redesign the team's crest and logo this early into their existence. The push goes nowhere except a South Georgia Tormenta blog that starts calling them Pronghorn Valley. He ultimately gives up on the bit because he gets tired of explaining why he just doesn't use their official name and, honestly, it's not all that funny.
Chattanooga Red Wolves - To commemorate the 107th anniversary of the invention of the Moon Pie in Chattanooga, fans are each given a box of Moon Pies as they enter for their April 19th game against Greenville. Things turn ugly as fans fling the Moon Pies like Frisbees onto the field after a controversial penalty is called against the Red Wolves late in the first half. Madness ensues as the game operations crew can't clean them up fast enough and birds descend on the field for a snack. the game is postponed 30 minutes to clear the Moon Pies and birds from the field and it all ends well as former Red Wolves legend Ropapa Mensah misses the penalty and Chattanooga ends up drawing 1-1 with Greenville.
(I appreciate that so many teams are deciding they don't need anniversaries ending in a multiple of five to decide to celebrate milestones.)
Texoma FC - The expansion club hosts Pecan Appreciation Night on June 14 when Texoma hosts Tormenta. The night is meant to celebrate the mammoth peach tree that became the center of Sherman, Texas in 1848 after the town moved four miles east as the original location lacked wood and water. The tree served as meeting place for the town as court proceedings, church services were held under the shade of the tree and it was place for the post office. As Georgia is the state that produces the most pecans, Tormenta was the natural opponent for this matchup, which featured butter pecan ice cream and pecan pies for only a dollar. As both Texas and Oklahoma are in the top five for pecan producing states, team officials are slated to meet after the season to discuss the creation of the Pecan States Derby.
One last thing on a personal note. This blog is and will always remain free. (I can't imagine charging anyone to read this, can you?) But if you have the means and have found any enjoyment or value out of this blog, please consider donating to my son's high school soccer fundraiser. As always, thank you for reading.
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